The Royal Road to Happiness!
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| Image Courtesy: Google Images |
Shammi Sukh
Author,
Trainer and Motivator
(Know More About The Author By Clicking Here)
If someone asks, “Do you want to lead a happier life? Do you want to enjoy rewarding &
lasting relationships? Do you want to reduce stress?” Your answer would be “obviously
yes”. The fact is all of us want to be happy, not only for few days, but for
all times to come.
Is there a reasonable way to achieve this? My conviction is “Yes, there
is an easy way out.” And the secret to everlasting happiness lies in the process
of “Inner dialogue”, called self-talk in modern psychology. Today,
psychologists profess that most of emotional hurts are created by an individual
himself or herself, usually unintentionally, by indulging in negative
self-talk.
“What is
this process of self-talk”, a question might pop up in your mind. Well, as we
go about leading our daily life, we all are constantly interpreting situations
around us, and an internal dialogue (self-talk) takes place inside our head,
which decides how we are going to feel about the situation.
A FEW CASE STUDIES
CASE I
Meet Jyoti
and Raghav. Raghav, a software engineer, works with a multi-national firm. The
two got married 5 years ago, and are blessed with a daughter, who is 2 years
old. Jyoti and Raghav were college mates, who fell in love and finally decided
to marry each other.
Apparently,
Jyoti’s and Raghav’s relationship appears to be normal and healthy, but if we
observe their daily life carefully, we will notice a number of ‘emotional wounds’
and ‘ill feelings’ Jyoti is carrying about Raghav.
This is what
happened a few days ago. Just like any other day, Raghav got ready in the
morning and left home for office. Raghav’s office was around 25 kms away from
home, and he had to drive his bike each day 50 kms to and fro. After a day’s
hard work, Raghav returned home.
In the
evening, Jyoti and Raghav spent around 2 hours together, chatting and playing
with their daughter. That day, their daughter was not keeping well as she was
running fever. At around 10 pm, Raghav went to bed and in no time he was
asleep. Jyoti after finishing household chores, went to sleep at around 10.30
pm. She too was asleep within a few minutes.
It was
around 11.30 pm, Jyoti got up as she was worried about her daughter’s fever.
She was about to wake up Raghav but something stopped her from doing so. She
checked her daughter’s fever and gave her medicine.
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Just before
retiring to bed, Jyoti looked at Raghav. Raghav was sleeping soundly and
unaware of what was going on in Jyoti’s head. Jyoti was quite upset and was
feeling angry with Raghav. How could he sleep so coolly, whereas she was
keeping awake and taking care of their daughter? Is he the same Raghav who
cared about her a lot before their marriage? What had gone wrong with him? How
could he be a different person now?
These were some of the questions which were disturbing her peace of
mind. As a result she could not sleep whole night as she was full of anger and
humiliation.
CASE II
Here’s
another case. Meet Gopal, a young science graduate working as an officer in a
private company. Gopal got married to Lata. Lata being a home maker looked
after home activities. Apparently Gopal and Lata, both are normal people, but
if you observe their behaviour closely, you will notice a number of emotional problems.
This is how they spent their yesterday.
In the evening,
Gopal returned from office. He asked Lata to prepare a cup of tea for him.
Lata, after serving tea and snacks to Gopal, asked Gopal if they could go
shopping since it had been a long time when they shopping last. Gopal suddenly
got angry at Lata and told her that she always spent money lavishly and didn’t
realize its value. If she wanted to spend money lavishly she should have
married some rich person.
On hearing
such sentences, Lata too lost her temper and retaliated that Gopal was miser
and he did not love her. He was obsessed with his work! In no time both were
engrossed in heated arguments – blaming and accusing one another. The rest of
their day was spoiled. Lata went to bed crying, and Gopal kept lying wide awake
in bed.
What
happened yesterday is a typical example of what happens in the day-to-day life
of Gopal and Lata. Of course, they know that the frequent emotional upsets
which they experience, make them feel tired and drained, physically and
mentally, and keep them in a disturbed state of mind, but don’t know how to
deal with such emotionally upsetting situations.
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| Image Courtesy: Google Images |
Needless to mention,
people like Jyoti, Gopal, etc. are in legion. Just have a good look around and
you will find so many people like them – suffering at emotional level, going
through bad moods every now and then. The list of events or situations in which
people feel unhappy, angry or insulted is endless, such as:
·
He
sent the invitation card through a servant
·
Look,
my husband / wife does not even remember even my birthday.
·
He
visited my brother first and me later. Is it not insulting?
·
I
have visited her house ten times, but she visited mine only thrice.
·
I
got a smaller piece of cake whereas others have got a bigger one.
·
When
I came home from office, tired and exhausted, my wife didn’t even ask me for a
cup of coffee. And so on...
Why do
people become emotionally disturbed? Who makes them feel bad? Is it their
circumstances or do they themselves create emotional turmoil? If they create their
emotional turmoil then why do they do so? You may even state that no person
would like to spoil his or her mood? In fact you will find that all such people
are normal, but then why don’t they stop doing such things? And, if these
people are creators of their own emotional disturbances, how can they just come
out of these disturbances?
These are
some of the questions which might arise in your mind. We will try to understand
the process and subsequently find a solution for these.
COMMON PERCEPTION
Many people
carry a belief that if unfavourable or ‘bad’ situations would not have been
there then they would have performed well and remained happy. Is it true? Some might say,
‘Yes, it is true”. If it is so then here are some questions which will make us
have a re-look at our perceptions.
There are
many people who sleep like Raghav but not all wives feel angry or humiliated
like Jyoti does.
There are
many ladies who ask their husband to drop their child to school but not all
husbands feel angry like Gopal. There are many bosses who reject reports of
their juniors but not all feel anxious or depressed.
In
nutshell, all sorts of people live in this world, and they all do all sorts of
acts or things but NOT all people feel angry, frustrated, or insulted. Then who
is the culprit? Who makes them unhappy? Who kills their peace of mind? Who makes
their life miserable? Who is breaking their relationships?
THE REALITY
Let us try
to understand the reason for emotional disturbance or turmoil of people like
Gopal, Jyoti, etc. Their emotional outburst to various events in life becomes
easily understandable if we learn what and how things happened – externally and
internally.
The whole
process can be divided into three steps as mentioned below:
Point A:
Activating Event or Situation
Point B:
Belief System of the person
Point C:
Consequences or effect on the person
Let us now
try to see the events once more in terms of these small steps.
CASE I: ANALYSIS
Let us take
the case of Jyoti and Raghav, when Raghav fell asleep and Jyoti got up at 11.30 pm to give medicine to her
daughter. Let us break the process into three steps.
Point A:
Activating Event or Situation
Just before
retiring to bed, Jyoti looked at Raghav, Raghav was in sound sleep and unaware
of what was going on in Jyoti’s head.
Point B:
Belief System
Looking at
the situation, Jyoti possibly indulged in negative self-talk such as:
“Look at this fellow. He is coolly
sleeping. Not even worried about me, i.e. whether I have slept or not. How
selfish he is! The moment he lied down on bed he slept. It ONLY means he does
not love me anymore.”
Point C:
Consequences or feelings
By telling
such negative sentences to herself, she felt victimized as well as lonely. She
felt that Raghav was selfish and no more loved her.
CASE II: ANALYSIS
Let us take
case II, of Gopal and Lata, and break it into the three steps.
Point A:
Activating Event or Situation
In the
evening, Gopal returned from office, and asked Lata to prepare a cup of tea for
him. Lata, after serving tea and snacks, asked Gopal if they could go for
shopping since it was a long time since they shopped last.
Till this
point everything was fine, but as soon as this happened, Gopal’s Belief System
got activated.
Point B:
Belief System
With his
belief system getting activated, Gopal possibly said something like this to
himself through ‘internal dialogue’: “Look
at this lady. How difficult it is to earn money? I have been toiling like a donkey each day to earn some
money. She does not even realize my position. This shows that she does not care for me. Do I have to
tell all these things to her? It is common sense to understand other’s
position. Whole day she takes rest in the house, and comes up with new demands
every now and then. I know she does all this intentionally to trouble me.”
Point C:
Consequences or feelings
By telling
such sentences internally, at point C Gopal suddenly got angry at Lata and told
her that she always spent money lavishly and didn’t realize its value. If she
wanted to spend money lavishly she should have married some rich person.
Gopal shouted
at point C, i.e. consequences subsequent to telling previous sentences to
himself at Point B, i.e. Belief System.
Let us now
take the case of Lata when Gopal told her a few sentences, and break it into
again the same three steps.
Point A:
Activating Event or Situation
After Gopal
got angry and told Lata that she always spent money lavishly and didn’t realize
its value. If she wanted to spend money lavishly she should have married some
rich person. On hearing such sentences, Lata too lost her temper and replied in
retaliation that Gopal was a miser person and that he did not love her. He
wanted to work and work only.
Point B:
Belief System
What might
have gone through Lata’s mind at belief level can be something like this, “Look at this fellow. Whole day I toil like a maid servant whereas this fellow
coolly sits in an air-conditioned office. Look at other ladies! How much money
they spend on their shopping! It is not even a fraction of their expenditure
that I spend on my dresses. He thinks I
am a beggar. Obviously he does not
love me anymore. How unlucky I am to have married this guy?”
Point C:
Consequences or feelings
After
telling such sentences to herself, Lata too became furious and retaliated in
the same fashion as Gopal.
The reality is that the moment a
person looks at a situation or event, his or her belief system gets activated
like an electric ‘relay’ and says something to oneself which is known as inner
dialogue or the self-talk. After indulging in self-talk the person feels happy
or unhappy, excited or depressed, love or hatred, joy or anger, peace or
disturbance – depending upon what sentences one has told oneself.
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